Here's the deal, and I was just going to sit and quietly read my book while I sit up here at the infernal reception desk for my hour, but something I've been stewing about for the last 24 hours has been repeatedly coming up now.
First, I find out that a co-worker of mine took offense to something I did that didn't even occur the way she thought it did. While sitting out here at the desk the other day, Joanie and I were sympathizing with her while she was bitching about her job, etc. (the bitching was justified) and then Joanie slipped in that she sent someone to a wrong room for a meeting. I basically looked at her like, "Dumbass" and we started laughing. Apparently Lynn thought that we were laughing at HER and she got even more angry. I of course, had no idea. I find this out two days later (yesterday) and am compelled to apologize to her, even though I did absolutely nothing wrong and she was the one who misunderstood.
Then last night, I was doing the same routine I have been trying to get into so that we can save some dough, maybe have a little "togetherness", do something nice, and that was coming home after driving Chris and I home from work, starting dinner, doing the dishes that had built up since the previous evening's dinner, etc. I also made his lunch for today, blah blah blah. So we sit down to eat, and since he was going downstairs to do some work and some laundry and Dave was watching television, I decided to take the opportunity to spend some quiet time by myself and go read for a few hours at Starbucks. Chris basically said, "I'll do the dishes after this load of wash is done" and I was pleasantly surprised and thanked him.
So I go to Starbucks, read for three hours, have a wonderful time and when I come home, there the dishes are, still in the sink. So all I did was put my bag down, put away the dishes I had washed while making dinner and did the dinner dishes - it all took maybe three minutes. I grabbed my comfy clothes and went into the bathroom, intent on relaxing by myself for the last hour or so of the evening, and burning the last two DVDs I needed to burn. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was like, "Did you do the dishes?" with this weird look on his face, and I thought, "Obviously... who else would have done them?" So that's basically what I said, "Who else would have done them?" And he just blew UP. I'm not going to get into the conversation, but basically, something that I was just doing for the hell of it and even to be nice turned into this big accusatory thing because he assumed that I was pissed off about it and was going to act the martyr.
Now, I have been disappointed by some things that he's done lately, and while they are little things they do add up, but all I was trying to do was get them done and then go relax. But he was making me out to be some kind of a collosal freak because I wanted to have things all settled and put away before I relaxed. (I failed to mention that apparently both of my moms and my dad must be freaks too since that's how I was raised; dishes were done after dinner and then you can do whatever you want - sorry that I don't like the kitchend to be a fucking cluttered shithole like HIS mother's or that he didn't have to do dishes, like, ever, growing up) So now he was A) Projecting his paranoia on me and being accusatory B) Making it seem like I was abnormal for just wanting them to be done and C) That I was ridiculously rigid because (I repeat - even though I wasn't bothered or was going to say something) I actually believed him when he said that he was going to do them when he said he was going to do them (most importantly, before I got home).
So of course, when I get attacked I go on the defensive and I just came out of the conversation wanting to go to my nearest friend or relative's house. And I slept badly all night because I was thinking about it. And I've been in a bad mood all day thinking about it. Because once again, I'm expected to just get over it. But you know what? Maybe I can't get over it anymore. Things were going well for a few days there, and I felt really good and to some extent was "taking care" of Chris just a little. By straightening things up, planning meals and cooking, making lunch, driving him to and from work. I didn't think of it as "Oh poor me. Look at what I do for him." We even went out for dinner on my parents' dime on Wednesday night. And though I was on the verge of leaving him just hours before, this morning I made sure he was awake before I left for work. But I don't get a flower, or any extra gesture in return. I get attacked because he is obviously insecure about something. But of course, I'm forced to just get over it - apparently he has, I had the "Morning hon!" IM on Yahoo this morning as if nothing has happened. And clearly he hasn't learned this is the wrong approach with me. What's the right approach? I have no fucking clue. But I'm sick of having to bend and just deal with things and get over my anger only to be let down again soon after.
And then the third instance where I was put on the defensive just occurred right before I started this blog, where one of the asshole auditors came to the front door of our suite, which is locked. He's been here all week, he knows that you push the buzzer and we let you in, there's no audible sound, or not - he just gave the camera a look and I pushed the button to unlock the door. Well, he just stood there holding the door, not pulling it open so I finally jumped on the intercom and said, "It's open, just pull the door open" so he comes in and I say, "I saw you there, you just had to pull the door" and he looks at me condescendingly and says, "That's okay" like I had just apologized to him.
So is it me? Am I unknowingly giving off vibes that read "Misunderstand me - attack me for doing something nice - make me feel like a piece of lint and as if I apologized when I didn't?"
I fucking give up. I am miserable right now and I don't know what is going to change or what can be done about it. I'm really sick of the fucking ups and downs though; it's already taking it's toll on my body. Last night within five minutes of cutting off the "discussion" my stomach was killing me and today I just feel like I could drop over. I just don't know what to do anymore about certain things and how to handle new stressors from everywhere else.
Oh good, the dick just walked in again. I felt my blood pressure just spike.
I'm at: Work
I feel: rejected